First, know that nerves are normal—and that applies to anyone, whether you’ve been with a partner for two months, two years, or twelve years. Even someone who’s well versed in disclosing his or her deepest desires gets tongue-tied from time to time. But take a deep breath, have some patience with yourself, and soon you’ll be verbal in ways that you never dreamed.
If you’re with a partner and you haven’t been engaging in regular, open, and loving sex communication with him, starting to talk about it now may feel a little awkward at first. But it’s important in so many ways. It’s more than about creating just the sex life that you want with your partner—it’s also about creating that intimate connection that allows both of you to have openness in other areas of your relationship, too. The ability to have deep discussions about your more primal and loving moments helps you both to build trust . . . and the more trust you build, the deeper you can go with your sexual explorations!
If you’re not with a partner yet, these lessons still apply to you. (Sometimes, the partner you need to communicate your desires to is actually . . . you!) Don’t let your fabulous singlehood stand in the way of learning good sexy-talk skills that you can put into use later in this book when we get down and dirty with dirty talk.
Okay, let’s get that mind of yours churning out some salacious thoughts!
Opening up the Lines of Communication with Your Lover
When it comes to talking about sex with an intimate partner, the most common concern I hear is, How do I start? We’ll get into more advanced communication approaches in later chapters with lessons on fun and frisky dirty talk, but for now, here’s a basic framework to kick off your conversations.
First, use your journal to write about what’s really working in your sex life right now and what you’d like to change up.
What’s great. Are you satisfied with the frequency of your sexual activity? The playfulness or intimacy of your encounters? The intensity of your orgasms? What else?
What could be better. Are your sex drives out of sync? Do you wish that your lover would initiate more so that you feel wanted? Are you stuck in a routine or having trouble reaching orgasm? What else?
Now, how do you translate these thoughts into a loving discussion? First, you need to choose the right time and place to have the conversation—and let me tell you one thing I know for sure; that right time and place is not naked in the bedroom, before, during, or immediately after sex. It’s too vulnerable a space for you and your mate. Instead, bring it up when you’re both relaxed, perhaps when you’re out to dinner or in front of the fireplace and you’re sharing some wine. As you’re about to broach the subject, find ways to feel physically close to your lover—touch him and allow for time to get comfortable with each other. Remember, this isn’t a board meeting or a contract negotiation! Approach the conversation with love and tenderness. Try not to interrupt. Ask questions. Many people are hesitant to reveal their deepest thoughts out of fear of rejection or ridicule. So be patient, and remember to listen so your partner feels free to be part of the discussion. And most of all, let respect guide you.
To get things started, try an opener like, “Babe, I’d love to talk a little about our sex life. Can I share something with you?”Then, your next sentence should lead with a positive affirmation, like, “I love the way we ______, and I want us to take it to a whole other level.” (Your list from the journaling exercise above can help here.) It’s good to focus on the positive so that both you and your partner acknowledge that there are things that are working, and so that he doesn’t feel you’re in “attack” mode.
Or you might say: “I love the way we’ve always been so affectionate in public, it makes me feels sexy and connected to you, and I’d love to bring that intimacy into the bedroom by ______.” Have a sexy suggestion ready to fill in the blank, like that you want to pick up some new lingerie or a sexy toy for you both or tell him about a few new positions you’ve read about.
It’s easier to navigate a sticky conversation like this (especially with an insecure partner or a new one) by offering up some ideas, and frankly, most partners will feel turned on that you did some sexy research ahead of time. Sharing some book passages or sexy magazine articles would be one idea. Ask for your lover’s input. It will help your partner feel more connected to the experience and more invested in wanting to help you create the sex life you ultimately desire. And that’s a good place to be!
What ever you do, don’t say:
*I’m really enjoying the sex we’re having, but I feel that there are some areas I’d like to improve in.
*I’m still really sexually attracted to you, but I’ve been having trouble reaching orgasm lately, and I’d like to work on that together.
*I enjoy our lovemaking sessions so much, but I’d really like to explore some new experiences that could be a lot of fun for both of us.
They’re honest, yes; however, they’re laced with criticism, and the last thing you want is to make your lover feel insecure. Avoid turning your phrases with a but. As in, this works, but . . .It negates the kind words that come before it. Better: suggest a positive solution so you end on an upswing.
As a final step to this exercise, I invite you to encourage your lover to share in the same way with you. Ask him the same questions—What does he need? What does he desire? What does he want from you? This will help you hear feedback of the same nature from his perspective, and give you the opportunity to help fulfill his hungers.
Remembering the Basics of Sex Talk
As you continue to work with the scripts above to help you to deliver your deepest desires to your partner in a constructive way, your formula for discussion will stay the same, but the words, phrasing, and approach will evolve. Even so, there are some constants you definitely want to bear in mind!
*Keep it positive. There will be times when—despite your best attempts at talking over what you want—your partner may not deliver what you hoped for. Maybe he’s overly attentive to one part or using a tad too much friction on another. It’s going to be tempting to tell him what’s not working, but stop yourself before those words leave your lips. Instead of saying what’s not right, point him in a new direction. Sex is a vulnerable time for both of you, and being shot down (however gently) is a definite Mojo buster. An easy way to transition him from one not-awesome move into a yummier one is to touch him in a specific way and then invite him to do the same to you. Or more directly, take his fingers in yours and show him what titillates you. Be sure to purr in his ear that it feels good
*Funny is fabulous. In the beginning, you’re apt to have a few clunkers when you try to step up your sex moves and it doesn’t go smoothly. (Maybe you’re both just not as bendy as you thought.) And you might laugh, and so will your partner, and that’s totally okay. Laughter is a great way to connect, and it tempers any insecurity that might bubble up. It’s often in those intimate moments in bed when you feel deliciously close that you’ll end up spilling what you’re thinking without holding back. Just remember laughter in bed is fine. But talking about how funny it was that he couldn’t lift you against the wall is something to do over breakfast, not in the moment.
*Showing racier play makes it easier to discuss later. It’s easier to communicate provocative new desires by first dabbling in the act and following up on them with a conversation. For example, you might try using a fingertip vibrator for some light anal-spot play on yourself while he watches, or try it on his A-spot. During the hot moment, share how you feel about the sexy sensations with a randy cry-out. Or as he writhes and moans, comment that you can tell he likes it, and say that you would like to try it, too.
*Be patient with a nonchatty lover. You might think that by revealing what excites you, your lover will do the same, but it’s not always the case. If yours isn’t free with words, don’t push too hard. Instead, coax it out by including him as a key player when you explain what you want. If he feels your explorations include him, he’ll feel more confident.
*You can’t compliment too much or too often. I constantly hear stories from women who compliment their lovers’ technique inside the bedroom or compliment it outside the bedroom. Why not do both? Some I love how you do that’s and Please don’t stop’s and That feels amazing’s go a long way toward getting you what you want out of your bedroom experience, but dropping those tasty little tidbits into out-of-bedroom conversations tells him that you’re still riding high on the memory of the experience. And on top of that, it gets you both turned on and thinking about doing what you loved all over again!
The more you work you sexual communication, and continue to think about sex in new and exciting ways, the firmer your foundation becomes in building a lasting, desirable sex life. And the best part? You also create a deeper, more intimate connection to your own Mojo.